On our first evening away from our new babe, we snuck off to Gather to celebrate my birthday just the two of us and ordered way too much food - as though it'd been over a month since we'd eaten dinner at the same time (it had). We spoke a love song to the platter of cashew hummus topped with harissa snap peas and sunflower seed za'atar we ordered. For at least 10 seconds before transitioning to talking about how much we love Zoella for the rest of the meal and rushing home to our love bug lickety-split.
On our first night home from the hospital though (the second time) a month earlier, when we were finally beginning to figure out what it means to be a family of three, I worried that I didn't love her enough. Spoiler alert: We're about to dive into the emotional junk that came with becoming a new mom, but if you're like "woah woah woah, I just came for a recipe! x out! x out!" feel free to just skip ahead to the snap peas. They're killer.
I now know that I love this little lady with a love so deep and so unique that I've never felt before - I understand how a mom could have trouble recognizing it at first. I expected an instant connection - to feel blissfully ecstatic every time I held her in my arms, but instead I felt frustrated and disconnected. Holding her felt weird and unfamiliar. She cried and I couldn't do anything. Part of me didn't want to do anything. I was tired and my body ached.
And that part broke my heart. Did it mean I didn't love her enough? Every time Lucas could console her when nothing I did helped, I felt my heart ache more. And breastfeeding, though it was going well for Zoella, inexplicably gave me panic attacks that made me cry. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this motherhood thing and Zoella knew it. I so clearly remember sobbing while she sobbed and telling Lucas that I was certain she wanted a different mom. If I didn't have the energy to do whatever it'd take to make her tears stop, it must mean I don't love her enough.
Early on, my friend's husband went out of town for business when their baby was a few weeks old and she managed just fine. What did it say about me that I had to call on my mom out of desperation to come help me get through the day? Or that I had a mile-long list of things I wanted to do - make & photograph rice krispie treats, web design, style food for the NYT. Surely it meant that I wasn't a good mom or that my love was insufficient.
And also the shame and guilt with all of this self-doubt: GOOD GOD! I was convinced everyone else could see what I was feeling and was just too afraid to tell me I was a terrible mom who didn't love her baby enough. No lie: I asked my mom point-blank if she thought I wasn't a good mom.
People talk about postpartum depression as a very normal phenomenon, but I expected it in the form of sadness that I could distinguish. You know, depression. I didn't expect it in the form of self-doubt - of myself as a mother and of my love for my baby. Shortly after our first week alone with Lucas back at work, that self-doubt began to shed away. This also coincided with her first smile. A smile to melt your heart and make you feel the love. Connection.
But what replaced that self-doubt was a mourning period. Mourning my sense of self as I'd come to know it before baby. My friend Em just wrote of her experience of becoming a mom, "I should be the happiest I’ve ever been but I don’t feel like me. I just want to feel like me again." THAT - a million times that. I felt ill-prepared for the ways having a baby would change me - my normal. Normal used to be making and shooting a recipe in the middle of the day (and immediately doing the dishes), going to dinner with Alanna on a weeknight, or grocery shopping every day of the week. This first Mother's Day came just as Zoella reached the three-month mark - the end of the extra-needy "4th trimester" - a point that feels pivotal as we hit a manageable groove as mom & daughter and that mourning period is receding as my identity as a mom grows. A mom who makes every decision with another being in mind and who loves her babe oh so much.
Thank goodness for baby smiles.
This recipe is my interpretation of the platter of snap peas we ate on our first date night as parents. Navigating our identity as a married couple with a baby over food, as one does. It's multi-layered, but simply prepared just the same. Throw all of the hummus ingredients into a blender, pop the sunflower seeds in the oven, and blanch the snap peas. Voila! So this hummus - it's bean-free, but the cashews make it creamy & extra nutty (hehe). Sweet snap peas draped with spicy harissa add a refreshing spring crunch and it's all topped with a sprinkling of za'atar roasted sunflower seeds for a salted toasty element.
Recipe
Harissa Snap Peas with Cashew Hummus & Sunflower Seed Za'atar
Ingredients
- 1¼ cup raw cashews
- ¼ cup fresh lemon juice, from 2-3 lemons
- 3 tablespoons tahini
- 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
- 1 tablespoon water
- 2 cloves garlic, chopped
- ½ teaspoon kosher salt
- ¼ teaspoon cumin
- ⅛ teaspoon cayenne
- ¼ cup sunflower seeds
- 1 teaspoon sesame seeds
- ¼ teaspoon kosher salt
- ¼ teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
- 1 teaspoon sumac
- 1 teaspoon dried thyme
- 1 lb snap peas, trimmed
- 1-2 teaspoons harissa
INSTRUCTIONS
- Prepare the cashew hummus. Rinse the cashews and place them in a bowl covered in cold water. Cover the bowl with a clean cloth and soak for at least 2 hours.
- Meanwhile prepare the sunflower seed za'atar. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Toss sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, salt, and olive oil together and spread out on a baking sheet. Toast for 10 minutes, tossing halfway through, until light golden brown. Transfer to a bowl and toss with sumac and thyme. Set aside.
- When the cashews are done soaking, put them in a blender with the lemon juice, tahini, olive oil, water, garlic, salt, cumin, and cayenne. Puree until completely smooth. If too thick, add another tablespoon of water or olive oil until desired creamy consistency.
- Bring a large pot of salted water to boil over medium-high heat. Blanch the snap peas for 2 minutes. Drain and toss with harissa.
- Divide the hummus among four plates, spreading into a round. Top with harissa snap peas and sunflower seed za'atar. Serve warm or cold.
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kelly @ nosh and nourish -
I know I'm super late to the party on this one... But just wanted to say how much I appreciated reading your post and seeing into your heart. You are getting into your groove and those smiles... and those future "I love you momma"s will carry you through. You got this!! xoxo, K
Sarah Menanix -
Aw - thank you, Kelly! I feel like she already says "I love you mama" with her smiles. She'll be all fussypants with my mom and then she gets to me and just sighs into my arms with a huge smile. It's crazy!
Kelly @ Nosh and Nourish -
YES!!! Totally. <3
Amanda Tudor -
Sarah- when I can home from the hospital, I would mourn my old life. The thought of not sleeping through the night anymore or having a day the way I wanted, was so upsetting. Taking care of a baby felt like a job and the "in love" part didn't come immediately. Luckily I had friends that warned me of this and I do my best to tell my expecting friends that if they don't feel happy 100% of the time it doesn't make then a bad mom - it makes them human! Hugs from the east coast. Thank you for sharing. It's important to get the word out! Cheers to being on the other side of the 4th trimester!!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you for sharing your story too Amanda! I feel my heart so full right now, but there are definitely days when I send the f bomb to Lucas every 15 minutes. Now that we're getting a bit more sleep back and I'm getting more alone time during the day, I'm starting to feel human again! Love from Cali!! <3
Sandy -
Awesome that you opened up and shared here ... I always say that motherhood is not for cowards. It takes courage to forge through the difficulties. My middle is just graduating college, all 3 in their 20's this year. I can tell you're a fantastic mama! ENJOY - and .... LOVE the hummus recipe!
Sarah Menanix -
Congrats on your college graduate! :) I like that - "motherhood takes courage" - right now I'm working through the courage to redefine myself as mom. The most difficult identity shift I've had to make in my lifetime.
Rakhee@boxofspice -
What a lovely post Sarah. Motherhood is a lifelong battle with feeling unbelievable levels of joy, guilt and (for me) fear of doing anything wrong or wrong/harm being done. I usually feel ridiculous amounts of guilt at any given moment. Haha. But that loss of self (which by the way I have not be able to regain yet) is so worth it, isn't it? That bond you talk about, the love, cannot be compared to anything else. I always tell my Charlize (all of ten) that I am lucky she chose to come to me. Your Zoella is a cutie pie! and this recipe is soooo good! Can't wait to try it out. Love and hugs. xoxo
Sarah Menanix -
Fear for sure. I think fear/worry is a badge that moms wear. I do feel so lucky to be her mom and I can feel our bond growing stronger each day. When she's nursing and pops off to give me a big grin right in the eye - that's what I live for! Thanks for your words - it's comforting to know I'm not the only one!
Ellie | from scratch mostly -
Oh, m'dear~! You took the words out of my mouth in ways I didn't know how to express to all my friends back then!!! Thank you first of all, for sharing such profound feelings because those are scary things to feel, much less share with strangers. I can relate to your emotions in similar yet different ways. While I can't say for sure that I had the baby blues as we know it (maybe I did maybe I didn't) I know that for about 10 months on and off, my doubts and emotions were all over the place.
The thing that troubled me most was the fact that I kept feeling like I needed to be MORE. I couldn't explain what that meant, but more of something, someone, like my identity had suddenly been stripped off of me brutally and left me naked for the world to see (tmi), and I couldn't figure out why. I knew I LOVED Selah but I kept searching for something more within myself. Somehow with time, and somehow with God's amazing grace, I conquered that stage and became confident with who I was made to be and the mom I was to become. I love you so much and love that you explained this so beautifully! Thank you for opening up and keep on fighting for your joy and identity! It's not easy sometimes. And ahem, keep those pics a-comin' because the emotions you captured and the QUALITY are amazing.... <333333
Sarah Menanix -
I wonder if the baby blues are even the wrong term right? Like everyone seems to experience "it" differently, but what I've heard over and over again is that many many people have some difficult feeling they can't seem to put words on. The ups and downs of emotions.
I'm with you on the MORE. And then I do more (more of ME) and also feel guilty that I should be doing more for her. Thank you for your constant support and for being a role model as an amazing mama. I am so excited to hear more about your pregnancy and you're SECOND BABY!!!! I hope you're feeling well and that things are going along swimmingly. Much love to you!
christine desroches -
This is the kind of experience that I think can be hard to be honest about, so I think you're really brave and genuine to put it out there. I'm glad that things are turning around Sarah. You have such a cutie, every time I see her photos on here or facebook I think she's such a smiley happy little one! I can only imagine how good it feels to have those smiles to let you know that you're totally doing this mom thing right. Big hugs lady <3
Also can I just tell you how badly I wish this were my dinner tonight? That cashew hummus plus harissa snap peas plus those sunflower seeds ... I'll be shopping tomorrow to get everything I need, can't wait to give this one a go!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you Christine. We're so blessed with the smiliest baby in all the land - as long as she's happy and healthy, that's the most important of all, right? I keep saying "she's happy, then I'm happy." I'm SO SO happy you made this hummus - I hope you loved it!! <3 <3
Alyssa -
Sending you lots of love and good vibes! And those photos are sooooo stinking cute. The smile! and the hair!
DEFINITELY trying snap peas like this, too...
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you Alyssa - I can't wait for you to hug this baby:) Come over!
amanda -
i heart you. you are admirable for sharing every piece of this, and all the hard parts, but also amazing parts. you will find your own, unique way of mothering, that i'm sure zoella would have no other way. beauty in the whole experience, of everything, is what makes it worth it.
xo
Sarah Menanix -
I heart YOU for inspiring me to dig deep and write about the hard stuff. Motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding experience. I cannot WAIT for you to meet her so so soon! <3
Brenda @ a farmgirl's dabbles -
Ohmygoodness, those baby giggle shots are precious! Gorgeous, gorgeous hummus, too. Want!
Sarah Menanix -
We feel pretty lucky that we can get incite giggles on demand! <3
Traci | Vanilla And Bean -
Thank you for sharing your heart, and your experience with us, Sarah. I can only imagine the transition into motherhood. I'm so glad you and others talk about it openly, because there was a time when it wasn't. It is such a personal journey.. but just recognizing the struggles and joys brings about awareness. You're in touch with how you feel and just knowing this is courageous and healthy. If I were there, I'd give you a big hug and tell you what a good Mamma you are then go to the store, wash all the dishes you desire, and scoop kitty litter! Little Zoe's smile is speaking a thousand words to you, Sarah.... just listen to hear heart. She is showing it to you. xo
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you for your words, Traci! It definitely feels freeing to open up and talk about it. The joys are so so joyful - we just look at her and say, "omg, how is she so amazing?" to each other basically all day long. Also - with those promises, you're welcome to visit ANY TIME YOU WANT;) Ha. (You're welcome even w/o those promises tho! Pssst - we just got a new fancy litter box, it's AMAZING). She is pretty much the smiliest baby ever and I feel so so lucky to have that reassurance from her.
Bethany @ Athletic Avocado -
OMG this looks so good! These flavors are so unique and sound wonderful together!
Sarah Menanix -
Thanks!!
janet -
Who styles the sweet baby's fabulous hair is the real question. Motherhood (in my experience) is one continuous loop de loop of self discovery as your heart opens wider and your limits stretch farther and you wipe up more stuff in more places than you ever dreamed up before, no matter how careful and detailed your imaginings may have been. In addition to good snacks, what the world needs more of is this kind of live reporting from the front, so mamas feel less alone wherever they happen to fall on the big wide open spectrum of How This Feels Right Now (it's a long haul, and the main thing you can count on as it unfolds is change.) What a good mama this baby has. Just the one she needs! Now I am going to make sure I am not as out of tahini as I suspect.
Sarah Menanix -
Ha - even if we WANTED to brush the hair flat, it wouldn't stay! It's got a mind of its own - you should see it in the morning;)
I love the way you describe your limits stretching and your heart opening wider - even though I've got mama friends locally, it's definitely been hard to share about my experience candidly until now. I think being able to reflect and just lay it all out there is freeing and helping me to figure out what it is I need/want as I transition into mama from now until forever!
Shelly @ Vegetarian 'Ventures -
I love that you shared your new mother experience. As a woman who struggles with the thought of losing myself if I was to ever have a baby, it's comforting to know that there are real moms out there experiencing that and still loving their baby to the fullest. Sending so many good vibes your way during this transition time! <3
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you Shelly! It's a feeling I never knew I'd experience until I was in it, but now it's a matter of redefining who "I" am in this new context with this amazing new being in my life. <3
Amy @ Thoroughly Nourished Life -
Oh Sarah, my heart goes out to you, and I'm glad you are learning that you are exactly the right Mum for Zoella May, and that you are just who she'd pick if she had a choice. Questioning whether your love is enough is just what means that you do love her enough. I don't have any little ones yet, but I went through a similar thing with my fiance a few years ago, constantly questioning whether I could love another human enough. You are a perfect Mum just the way you are, and the new normal will come, and it will be filled with all of the old parts of your life with bright shiny new things too, like those gorgeous baby smiles.
I can't wait to make this and share it with my perfect mama too :)
Sarah Menanix -
She shows me every single day how much she loves me and it's so so special now that she's smiling. I think baby smiles are really a survival technique - "if I give the same number of smiles as tears, then they'll take care of my needs." Something like that;)
Carla -
Oh, Sarah. That SUCKS. And I'm sorry.
(And also these are PURTY, but I'm still sorry.)
Sarah Menanix -
Aw - it doesn't SUCK. It just...IS. Right? And, I'm so thankful I have amazing friends like you to help me get through it! Friends who help me navigate the "how do I have a baby AND friends?" question. So thank you!!
Kira -
Well I'm officially crying at work thanks to your post. Pregnancy has already changed my emotional balance and I can't even imagine what I'll be like once my daughter is born. I've always considered myself a strong, unemotional woman yet now the littlest things get to me. I often worry that I don't have the "mommy" gene to be loving, patient, empathetic and nurturing. We are so fortunate to have men that excel in these traits and I only hope that I become the fabulous momma that you've become. <3
Sarah Menanix -
Oh my goodness. I should have warned you not to read yet. But YES - emotions. Blah. You are a strong and calculated woman, but my dear friend, you have emotions and a HUGE heart. I've never met anyone who cared so much about the loved ones in her life as you do - you are also such a protector. You might not see it yet, but I know for sure you have the mommy-gene in you (I mean, you've got a pretty great role model in your own mom!). And it'll be YOUR form of mommy. And with Chris's empathy, you'll be a killer pair. Baby T is so so lucky. Can't wait to rub that belly soon (I'm not asking, I'm just going to do it.)
Em -
I love your candidness in this post, Sarah. Seeing you two together, it's unquestionable that she adores you, but (as you know), I relate to this on so many levels. Thanks for sharing the personal junk. Also, I'd like to eat hummus with a fork very much. <3
Sarah Menanix -
I mean, you could just go Lana style and smear the hummus all over the table and then drop some on the floor and eat it all with your hands. It's working for her. ;) And thank you - and thanks for always inspiring me with your awesome momma-hood.
Beth -
Sarah, thank you for sharing your heart with us!
Sarah Menanix -
<3 thanks lady!
Nicole ~ cooking for keeps -
This resonates with so many new moms, myself included. It's such a life change, and those first few days and weeks (even months!), it's hard to know what to expect, or how you'll feel. You think you're supposed to feel a certain way, and when you don't, it's kind of scary! You are an awesome Mom, keep it up!!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you Nicole! I don't know *what* I expected, but I'm not sure I knew what or how to prepare for the ways a new little bebe would change things. I remember the week before she was born, my husband and I sat on the couch watching tv at 11pm and I started crying, "this might be the last time we can do this!" (It wasn't. We still do that.) But that sentiment is what's becoming a reality now - things are changing. It's awesome. And scary. But so worth it.
Lily | Kale & Caramel -
How lucky am I to have had a whole afternoon with you and Zoella? It was so good to be together, and to chat about all of this in person. I'm not a new mama, but I know this must resonate so deeply with all those who have gone through this most radical rite of passage. A totally new becoming. Zoella is lucky to have such a loving and brilliant mama.
Sarah Menanix -
We both feel so lucky to have gotten to spend time with you! Your love and energy is contagious. Maybe someday we can get the Z-babies together for a date. We can't wait for you to come back!!
Matt -
What an awesome post, everything. Your baby is perfect :)
Sarah Menanix -
Thanks Matt! That she is.
Sherrie -
It's takes both courage and bravery to share this part of your story. One that (clearly) so many women can relate too. All my love Sarah, all the time. xx!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you so much, Sherrie, As much as I've always wanted to be a mom, it's kind of crazy how even when I felt ready for it, all of the reality of what that means for *me* hits me all at once when the babe is finally here. I'm excited for you to meet her soooooon! <3
Lauren @ Climbing Grier Mountain -
I want to dive right into that hummus!!
Sarah Menanix -
:) Dooo ittttt!!
Tessa | Salted Plains -
Beautiful, beautiful post, Sarah! Wishing I could give you a BIG hug. Thank you for sharing this. I can't even imagine all the new feelings and emotions. Zoella Mae is one lucky little lady. xo.
Also, this hummus!!!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you, Tessa! I think *I'm* one lucky mama - she's just the most amazing being ever. We take selfies in bed every morning and the smiles/giggles as we "girl talk" is just too much for my heart to handle - TOO CUTE.
Jenn -
Hugs girly! I feel you on that panicked identity crisis and from someone who made it to the other side (with a smushy baby turned toddler) I can tell you that your love will grow and your feeling of self will morph as it returns, but it shall continue to return! Each passing day/week/month you'll feel more and more "you" as well as this new you that's somehow even more badass than before. I was out of my mind depressed when a slew of unexpected health problems ransacked my early days/weeks/months as a momma. It was rough, and my heart aches that things were difficult for you too. I'm always here for ya lady, seriously any time! Xo
Sarah Menanix -
As I reflected on this before writing it all out - that's exactly how I feel. I'm feeling a NEW *me* developing - a new identity. And I'm sure I'll grow to love this new me just as much as the old one. I cannot believe it's already been 3 months - I feel like I've been in a fog for the last 3 months, but hopefully now that I'm breathing again, life will slow down a bit (this baby is getting too old too quick!). And thank you so much lady! xoxo!
Jenn -
It goes too fast and way slow all at the same time, it's quite the phenomenon! I can say wholeheartedly that it keeps getting better <3 Rock on mama!
tessa -
i felt the exact same way with my baby. i felt like i didn't love him enough. i just wanted my life to go back to normal so badly. i had visions while pregnant of wearing my baby everywhere, when in reality, when i wasn't breastfeeding him, i would put him immediately back in his bassinet. (thankfully, he was content to be there!)
as the weeks went by, and my postpartum depression faded, i felt my love for him grow. he's almost two now and it's ridiculous how much i feel for him. i literally GAZE at him with love. one thing (of many) i took away from the whole experience - hormones are crazy! do not underestimate them! you think your personality is set in stone, but it's not - get some new and different hormones coursing through you and you can be a completely different person.
on the breastfeeding note, the lactation consultant i visited in those early days told me that it was a very common reaction to feel panicky and anxious while breastfeeding - something to do with the hormones that are released with let-down.
Sarah Menanix -
I'm so glad I'm not alone with these feelings! I've actually gotten into the babywearing thing and it's saved me (though I am also jealous that your boy would be content in his bassinet! Zoella will scream her little head off!). I feel my love for her grow every day - it's amazing. The breastfeeding thing was so stressful - the lactaction consultant I went to helped so much. At least to reassure me that the feeling *should* subside. I'm so thankful that it did because my husband and I had read about all these moms feeling such bliss and euphoria from breastfeeding and I was feeling the opposite! Now I love it! Thank you so much for sharing your experience too <3
Brian @ A Thought For Food -
It's wonderful that you shared this here. I'm sure others will find this to be incredibly helpful. We all go through moments of self-doubt... I definitely felt it when I babysat for my infant niece and when Eric and I first brought our dog home (not to compare parenthood with dog ownership. Obvs two different things). :-)
But, again, thank you for sharing (your story and this beautiful recipe)!
Sarah Menanix -
Haha I used to compare parenthood with cat ownership. It's a stepping stone;) Unlike w/ my kitties though, I'm pretty sure I barely slept a wink the first few nights we brought this little baby home though - so worried I'd wake up and something terrible would have happened while I slept. That def didn't last long!
And thank you!
Carrie @ Bakeaholic Mama -
Big hugs. Just know that almost every mom, no matter how put together they look on the outside. Is filled with self doubt on the inside. We are all blindly going through the stages of parenting, it's some scary hard stuff!
PS. Your peas and hummus are gorgeous.
Sarah Menanix -
That's what I'm learning! Just when you seem to pass over one insurmountable hurdle, there's another to navigate. But it feels worth it!
And thanks!!
Liz @ Floating Kitchen -
Oh girl. I want to send you a big hug. I'm not a mamma myself, but I can understand how hard these feelings must be to sort out. Glad you have such a great support system with your hubby and family. And that baby smile is definitely a mood lifter. Can't wait to see you soon. XOXO!
Sarah Menanix -
Thank you! I'm so excited to see you soon and for you to meet Zoella and get a dose of those baby smiles for yourself:)
Jennifer -
I wish we lived closer so I could give you a bug hug! I think so many of these emotions are normal. There's newness, adrenaline, hormones... it's so much to deal with. But Zoella is in a loving, wonderful home and she's lucky to have you.
PS - I want to inhale this dish.
Sarah Menanix -
It's kind of insane that in addition to this intense experience of childbirth and you know, raising a crying baby, our bodies are like "oh yeah, let's turn into a crazy person right now too. Boom. Hormones!" And let's be honest here, you really wish we lived closer so you could give the BABY a hug;)
Veronica -
Oh my this looks so good! All of my favorites in one delicious bite! Love this recipe! When I had Daniela I felt the same way! It broke my heart every time she cried and I could not console her! I did not feel like myself and I had not considered postpartum depression! I talked everything out with my doctor! With my second baby which was Lucas I asked my mommy to stay with me for two weeks! I also made friends with some new moms in my neighborhood this was a blessing! Plus the fact that they shared so many of their quick and easy meals! Sarah your Zoella is such a happy baby because she has an amazing Mommy!
Sarah Menanix -
Thanks Mama V. Every time she smiles it's a reminder of how happy she is!
gerry @ foodness gracious -
Swoon, so many goodness for my eyes, including the baby :)
Sarah Menanix -
She's pretty stinkin' cute, right?